Most of you may know that a few months ago I lost my dad. Losing him was, well is the hardest loss I've faced. Although it's been 5 months, time isn't helping me I feel like I'm getting worse with grieving his death. I don't feel like I'm depressed more that I get very anxious, I cant look at pictures of him without getting emotional, hearing someone talk about what happened to him I have leave the room because I just don't want to hear it. I'm not sure how to go forward and accept this, I feel like if i do then i'd have to let him go, and I can't do that- I don't want to let go of him and just move on with my life I would feel guilty in a way because while I continue to live mine, his was cut short. I attended a bereavement group and it was very hard for me open up and talk about my dad, not trying to sound prideful but I didn't want to cry in front of a bunch people pouring out my feelings. But I did to some extent and many of them told me afterwards that I was brave for talking about it and how losing a parent a young age is never easy. It's a completely different feeling compared to losing a grandparent or another relative. My dad is suppose to be here and see his granddaughter grow up, he's suppose to answer his phone, go to breakfast at our favorite diner together. Having to get older and experience life without him in it, it's not fair I mean he should be here. I've had dreams about him and I'm happy that I do but then again I don't like it because the dreams feel so real and vivid that in the dreams I believe he's still here, but once i wake up I realize he's really gone. Sometimes it feels like a slap in the face. I miss him every single day, I wish somehow some way that I could have changed what happened and make it so he would be here. To think that a year ago I told him I was pregnant and remembering how excited he was to have a grandchild, remembering how every week we'd have breakfast before I'd drop him off at the ferry . It's hard looking at the train station and not seeing him come off the 6pm train, as much as I wish he would; I still can't wrap my head around this. Im not sure if I ever will but I know that he's free of pain and his spirit will live on, it just sucks. I say to myself if 9/11 didn't happen he'd be here, he would, everything that happened to him wouldn't have happened. I blame that day on why my dad isn't here why he was taken from me. Unfortunately I can't turn back time or make wishes for things to be different. Each day is a progress more or less, there's days where I'm ok and there's days where I'm not. Maybe one day I'll be able to accept and move forward but I don't know if that'll happen right now, or any time soon. I apologize if this post is all over the place, this has been on my mind heavily and until I attend more sessions, writing my feelings out helped a bit. I'll always miss him.